#OrdinaryStories I’m the mess.

DymEO_SV4AAsjdo

I’m late writing this post because life is an artificial matrix and I do not respect it’s deadlines. Also, I got the flu recently and it took me out. But now that the post is here…You’re welcome!

Ugh. You mean my life?

You’ve done it again Virginia! But I will not acquiesce. The biggest mess I had to clean up was…my WHOLE LIFE. I keep reading article after article about the mental health of POC in graduate school (also just millennials in general) and my past makes more sense than it did while it was happening. But of course, that’s the way it works, doesn’t it?

I have had a hard time tackling this question and it’s taken me more than 8 days to even return to this piece before I could finish it. I guess these messes still feels new in a lot of ways. Which is a little hilarious because I’ve realized my life was a whole mess at several stages.  You’d think I’d get over it just by virtue of exposure to it? But in any case,  I’ll just run down some of the major points at which I realized my life was a straight mess.

  1. When I threw down my backpack in my college prep high school because I forgot my homework? I don’t even know what led to this first palpable emotional breakdown but in any case, I was a crying mess and my high school had no resources to deal with that regardless of the HIGH ass fees.
  2. When I woke up drunk in my friend’s clothes because I was in her parent’s house and I had thrown up the night before in her childhood bed. A mess. (She DID throw a party, I didn’t just break in, get drunk and throw up in her bed)
  3. When I realized I didn’t know what I wanted to be after grad school but I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to be it.
  4. When I stopped answering e-mails from anyone in my grad school because of #3.
  5. When I got pregnant not too long after realizing I was in the deepest depression of my life.
  6. When one New Year’s eve I was crying and so was my son and I didn’t care that he was. (My friend came and took him so I could breathe for the first time in 371 days)
  7. When I was offered a job and I realized I couldn’t continue to stay at home with my son because that choice was just the ability to stay at home in an extremely toxic home situation.

Realizing that I was in/a mess was half the battle. I was brave enough to face the messes and clean them up. I’m gonna pat myself on the back. It feels better not to look at them as failures. I’m trying to own them so they don’t own me so much anymore. And I don’t have so many lately! Huzzah for tidying my life more and more as I get older.

If you want more Ordinary Stories head over to my beautiful cray Virginia’s Mandarin Mama page!

Leave a Comment